RADical acceptance
Let me just say, radical acceptance is LIFE-CHANGING. So let’s get into it.
What is Radical Acceptance?
Radical acceptance means tolerating something without judging or trying to change it. The word "dialectic" (in dialectical behavior therapy) means to balance and compare two things that appear very different or even contradictory. In dialectical behavior therapy, the balance is between, change and acceptance (Linehan, 1993a). You need to change the behaviors in your life that are creating more suffering for yourself and others while simultaneously also accepting yourself the way you are. This has been very hard to do. Dialectical behavior therapy depends on acceptance and change not acceptance or change.
Increasing your ability to tolerate distress starts with a change in your attitude. You're going to need something called radical acceptance. This is a new way of looking at your life.
Why Radical Acceptance Works
Getting angry or upset over a situation stops you from seeing what is really happening. Have you ever heard the expression "being blinded by rage?” This often, happens to people with overwhelming emotions. Criticizing yourself or others all the time or being overly judgmental of a situation is like wearing dark sunglasses indoors. By doing this, you're missing the details and not seeing everything as it really is. By getting angry and thinking that a situation should never have happened, you're missing the point that it did happen and that you have to deal with it.
In order to change your mindset, you're going to need something called radical acceptance. This is a new way of looking at your life. Often, when a person is in pain, his or her first reaction is to get angry or upset or to blame someone for causing the pain in the first place.
But, unfortunately, no matter whom you blame for your distress, your pain still exists and you continue to suffer. In fact, in some cases, the angrier you get, the worse your pain will feel.
Being overly critical about a situation prevents you from taking, steps to change that situation. You can’t change the past. And if you spend your time fighting the past—wishfully thinking that your anger will change the outcome of an event that has already happened—you'll become paralyzed and helpless. Then, nothing will improve.
The other option to getting angry and emotional, which radical acceptance suggests, is to acknowledge your present situation, whatever it is, without judging the events or criticizing yourself. Instead, try to recognize that your present situation exists because of a long chain of events that began far in the past. Denying this chain of events does nothing to change what has already happened. Trying to fight this or say that it shouldn't be like this only leads to more suffering for you. Radical acceptance means looking at yourself and the situation and seeing it as it really is.
Keep in mind that radical acceptance does not mean that you condone or agree with bad behavior in others. But it does mean that you stop trying to change what's happened by getting angry and blaming the situation.
What does it mean to “radically accept” a situation?
Radical acceptance, is one of the hardest, and most important, skills in DBT therapy because it requires you to look at yourself and the world in a different way.
For example, radically accepting the present moment means that you must acknowledge that the present moment is what it is due to a long chain of events and decisions made by you and other people in the past. The present moment never spontaneously leaps into existence without being caused by events that have already taken place. Imagine that each moment of your life is connected like a line of dominoes that knock each other down.
Radically accepting the present moment opens up the opportunity for you to recognize the that you have played in creating your current situation. And, as a result, it also creates an opportunity to respond to that situation in a new way that's less painful for yourself and others.
But remember, radically accepting something doesn't mean that you give up and simply accept every bad thing that has happened to you.
Some situations in life are unjust, But for other situations in life, you share at least some responsibility. There's a balance between, what you created and what others have created. However, many people struggling with overwhelming emotions often feel like life just "happens" to them, not recognizing their own role in creating a situation.
Radical Acceptance : Embracing Your Life With The Heart of a Buddha
by Tara Brach
Here are some of my favorite quotes that really stood out to me and inspired me to fully embrace radical acceptance.
“Pain is not wrong. Reacting to pain as wrong initiates the trance of unworthiness. The moment we believe something is wrong, our world shrinks and we lose ourselves in the effort to combat the pain.”
“The emotion of fear often works overtime. Even when there is no immediate threat, our body may remain tight and on guard, our mind narrowed to focus on what might go wrong. When this happens, fear is no longer functioning to secure our survival. We are caught in the trance of fear and our moment-to-moment experience becomes bound in reactivity. We spend our time and energy defending our life rather than living it fully.”
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
In many ways, radical acceptance is like the Serenity Prayer.
Radical Acceptance Coping Statements
To help you begin using radical acceptance, it's often helpful to use a coping statement to remind yourself:
"This is the way it has to be.”
"All the events have led up to now"
“I can't change what's already happened.”
“It’s no use fighting the past.”
“Fighting the past only blinds me to my present."
“The present is the only moment I have control over.”
"It's a waste of time to fight whats already occurred"
"The present moment is perfect, even if I don't like what's happening”
''This moment is exactly as it should be, given what's happened before it."
“This moment is the result of a million other decisions.”
“I will be okay and stronger if I accept the past.”
Radical Acceptance Exercise
Take some time to answer these questions. Whether your writing them down in a journal or saying them out loud, it’s important to reflect.
What happened in this distressing situation?
What past events happened that led up to this situation?
What role did you play in creating this situation?
What roles did other people play in creating this situation?
What do you have control of in this situation!
What don't you have control of in this situation!
What was your response to this situation?
How did your response affect your own thoughts and feelings?
How did your response affect the thoughts and feelings of other people?
How could you have changed your response to this situation so that it led to less suffering for yourself and others?
Could the situation have occurred differently if you had decided to radically accept the situation?
Important Reminder<3
It's very important to remember that radical acceptance also applies to accepting yourself. In this case, radical acceptance means embracing who you are without judging or criticizing yourself. Radically accepting yourself means loving yourself just the way you are, with all of your goodness and all your faults. Finding the goodness inside of yourself might be a difficult challenge, especially if you're struggling with overwhelming emotions. Many people with this problem often think of themselves as being defective, bad, or unlovable. As a result, they overlook their good qualities and add more pain to their lives. However, this is why radically accepting yourself is so extremely important.
“Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns...We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small.”
“Imperfection is not our personal problem - it is a natural part of existing.”
“Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our lives as it is.”
“On this sacred path of Radical Acceptance, rather than striving for perfection, we discover how to love ourselves into wholeness.”
